UCLA soccer’s Thomas Cole shares why he tried suicide
(A warning: This story discusses self-harm and suicide.)
The smile that cut up Thomas Cole’s face on video chats together with his dad and mom couldn’t cover the darkness that had overtaken his life.
His mom observed that he was all the time mendacity in mattress. The blinds have been invariably drawn.
Thomas shrugged it off as not having the ability to simply match his 6-foot-6, 270-pound body into his desk. He mentioned it was simpler conserving the blinds closed.
“He always had a justification,” his mom, Kelli, mentioned, “but for me they were red flags.”
Thomas by no means talked about his intractable burden: He wakened daily desirous to kill himself.
He pushed by the torment solely as a result of his schedule demanded he get transferring. There was soccer apply. Place conferences. Lessons. Every part that got here with being a university freshman.
“You’ve got stuff to do,” he mentioned. “You’ve got boxes to check.”
Anybody watching from afar would have thought of his future promising. The offensive lineman from San Luis Obispo was probably the most coveted highschool prospect from his space in 20 years, choosing UCLA from a prolonged checklist of suitors. His dimension and expertise made him a possible savior for the Bruins at offensive deal with within the years to come back.
In his thoughts, Thomas was by no means adequate.
Regardless that his grades have been nice and he was making an attempt his greatest in apply, he felt like a failure. After months of anguish, he was prepared to surrender the charade.
Thomas placed on his favourite music, Johnny Money and Zach Bryan songs filling his residence bed room. He wrote goodbye letters to his household and mates. He downed each tablet he might discover.
Then he lay all the way down to die.
They have been the All-American household.
David and Kelli Cole met as faculty athletes at Cal Poly and owned a Chrysler, Dodge, Jeep and Ram dealership in San Luis Obispo that had been in David’s household for 3 generations. Their daughter, Katie, wrote for the highschool newspaper earlier than occurring to check baby improvement in faculty.
Like his dad and mom, Thomas was a gifted athlete. Already towering over his classmates, he performed varsity basketball as a highschool freshman. He additionally starred on the soccer staff, first as a defensive lineman and tight finish earlier than switching to the offensive line due to his large body.
Thomas Cole performs in a basketball recreation for San Luis Obispo Excessive Faculty towards El Diamante in December 2018.
(Owen Foremost)
Throughout his remaining season, Thomas helped the Tigers win a league title in soccer for the primary time in 17 years.
However nothing felt satisfying. Thomas would have an excellent recreation and dwell on a missed deal with or a blown task.
“He was always really hard on himself,” David mentioned.
Self-punishment would observe. Thomas stayed after apply to run further sprints. He lingered within the weight room for extra reps. All of it was an try and show to himself that he was adequate, main solely to extra doubt and an infinite loop.
After his dad and mom observed he was having hassle remembering soccer performs, Thomas was identified with consideration deficit hyperactivity dysfunction the summer time following his freshman yr. The dysfunction is thought to contribute to low shallowness and locations its victims at elevated danger of temper problems reminiscent of melancholy.
Those that watched Thomas carefully thought of him a people-pleaser. When his basketball coach addressed the staff whereas sitting in a timeout huddle fraught with stress, Thomas circled behind his coach, rubbed his shoulders and informed him it was going to be OK.
The light large additionally received admirers by coming to the protection of youthful classmates who have been bullied and consistently checking in with teammates about their welfare. When Jeff Brandow stepped down as San Luis Obispo’s athletic director and basketball coach, the primary textual content he obtained every time was from Thomas.
Thomas Cole (55) performed for San Luis Obispo Excessive.
(Owen Foremost)
Trying again, there have been indicators of misery. A dislocated finger suffered in a basketball recreation despatched Thomas to the hospital, the bone protruding of his pores and skin. Disregarding the sympathy that flooded his room, Thomas was beside himself. His reasoning? He now not might assist his staff.
“He was like, ‘Coach, I’m not going to be able to play, I feel like I let you guys down,’ ” Brandow mentioned. “I’m like, ‘Dude, you broke your finger. You’re out for the rest of the year. It’s OK. We love you still.’ But he was worried about letting people down.”
Thomas enrolled at UCLA in January 2021, skipping his remaining highschool soccer season to participate within the Bruins’ spring apply whereas additionally getting a head begin within the staff’s power and conditioning program.
There was no stress to play instantly with veterans Sean Rhyan and Alec Anderson entrenched at deal with. The main target, for the primary season, could be enchancment.
At first, Thomas lived alone in a dorm room. Interplay with teammates was restricted by design amid the COVID-19 pandemic, gamers grabbing to-go luggage of meals and consuming by themselves. Lessons have been distant. Regardless of each protecting measure, Thomas contracted COVID-19 firstly of spring quarter, resulting in extra isolation.
His dad and mom factored all of this into their calculus of his early faculty months.
“When we started realizing that things were not going well,” Kelli mentioned, “part of it was, well, how much is COVID, how much is first-year college depression — missing home. So there were a lot of factors in play.”
A reprieve got here each time Thomas interacted with the opposite freshmen on the offensive line, whom he rapidly got here to adore. Shifting into an residence in the summertime supplied the good thing about a roommate in kicker Anthony Waller, one other buddy.
UCLA soccer participant Thomas Cole, heart, is joined, from left, by his mom, Kelli; sister, Katie; and father David.
(Courtesy of the Cole household)
However their time collectively was short-lived, with Waller quitting the staff and transferring out earlier than the beginning of fall coaching camp. As soon as once more, Thomas was alone. The day by day grind worsened his melancholy.
“You’d get to workouts, go to meetings, eat as much food as you could put down and then just kind of crawl back into your room and isolate,” Thomas mentioned. “There wasn’t a ton of communication between like how I was feeling with the team.”
Crying suits typically preceded these smiling FaceTime periods together with his dad and mom. Thomas started to harm himself, pondering he deserved the ache. He burned his physique with something that may do the trick — lighters, candles or forks positioned on sizzling stoves. He starved himself, consuming as soon as each two days.
“I didn’t think I was enough in school, didn’t think I was enough as a son, didn’t think I was enough as a teammate, so like I just deserved punishment,” Thomas mentioned. “Like, I hated myself.”
He informed one teammate and his girlfriend that he was feeling down. He began seeing a therapist within the fall. However he by no means shared his suicidal ideas or the truth that he typically wakened regretting that he didn’t attempt to kill himself the earlier evening.
“Everyone supported me in their own way,” Thomas mentioned, “but unless you’re trained, unless you’re in the field, no one knows what to say when you tell them how unhappy you are.”
By the point he returned residence after the COVID cancellation of UCLA’s Vacation Bowl in late December, his household might sense his unease. A probing dialog ensued on New 12 months’s Day, Thomas agreeing to permit his mom to talk together with his therapist to make sure she had the total image of his issues.
“We weren’t sure what he was telling her because we realized at this point he was withholding a lot of information on his feelings and all that,” Kelli mentioned, “so we wanted to make sure that the therapist knew where he was at.”
Shortly after he returned to highschool, Thomas informed his dad and mom that he knew what he wanted to work on, that he was going to get higher.
Six hours later, he wrote his goodbye letters.
Up late writing a paper for sophistication, Thomas paused to think about what he would really feel like within the morning.
He didn’t wish to remorse, as soon as extra, not having put an finish to the struggling.
“I was ready to surrender,” he mentioned.
He sat all the way down to compose his farewells, penning letters to his household and shorter notes to mates.
In his letter to his father, who additionally had lengthy battled melancholy, Thomas defined that this was one of the best transfer for him, to alleviate himself of the ache. He didn’t need his father to dwell on it. This wasn’t anybody’s fault.
Then Thomas began downing capsules. As his favourite music performed, he took as many painkillers and as a lot prescription medicine as he might discover. Something Thomas might get his fingers on, he swallowed, about 200 capsules in all.
“I was dying,” he mentioned.
Solely, he didn’t die. Thomas awoke early within the morning in a chilly sweat, vomiting on his ground. He was irate.
“I didn’t know what to do,” he mentioned, “if I wasn’t going to die.”
He thought of cleansing himself up and going to apply as if nothing had occurred earlier than relenting and calling his therapist. She informed him she was grateful he was alive and he wanted to go to the hospital.
Thomas packed a bag and made the quick stroll to Ronald Reagan Medical Middle to examine himself in. For 2 days, an electrocardiogram measured his resting coronary heart fee from 120 to 150 beats per minute, elevated by all of the stimulants. Medical doctors informed him he had survived solely as a result of he had purged the capsules that in any other case would have killed him.
Suicides involving athletes from Southern California have change into a disturbingly frequent narrative. Katie Meyer, a Stanford goalkeeper who starred in highschool at Newbury Park, took her life in March. A month later, Wisconsin runner Sarah Shulze, who grew up in Oak Park, killed herself, her household saying the stresses of athletics, teachers and on a regular basis life had “overwhelmed her in a single, desperate moment.”
Coaches and faculty directors more and more have spoken about buttressing a psychological well being assist system that continues to fail these in misery.
“We’re one of the lucky ones,” Kelli Cole mentioned. ”We get a second probability.”
Thomas’ teammates realized he was on the hospital by checking his location on Snapchat when he didn’t present up for apply, however they might not see him due to privateness restrictions. Thomas’ therapist let his dad and mom know what had occurred. They instantly made the three-hour drive to campus, although they have been barred from seeing their son due to COVID protocols.
Former UCLA soccer participant Thomas Cole, second from left, is joined by his mom, Kelli; father, David; and sister, Katie.
(Courtesy of the Cole household )
They known as his room to let him know they have been close by and that they beloved him.
“We just said, ‘We’re close, we’re at the hotel,’ ” Kelli mentioned, her voice cracking, “and that had to be it.”
Thomas remained within the hospital’s psychiatric ward for 10 days earlier than beginning a months-long transition towards unbiased dwelling. Alongside the way in which, he relapsed whereas considering one other suicide try, necessitating a visit again to the hospital.
By means of intensive remedy, he misplaced the urge to inflict unspeakable hurt upon himself. Adjusting his medicine additionally helped, and so did meditation. Largely, he realized to specific how he was feeling.
“The goal wasn’t to learn to want live, it was to not want to die,” Thomas mentioned. “Just find stability. Not wanting to die is like not actively trying to hurt myself or bring myself down or commit suicide. … I’m in a much better place. I don’t want to hurt myself as much as I did and like I don’t actively try to hurt myself. If I feel that way, I reach out for help and I talk to people and I surround myself with others.”
Household remedy has led to therapeutic, in addition to heartbreaking revelations concerning the anguish Thomas endured.
“One of the things in therapy that always stuck out to me,” David recalled, “[Thomas] said, ‘Dad, I would wake up and wonder who I was going to disappoint.’ ”
Just a few weeks in the past, Thomas revealed publicly why he had not been current at spring apply.
He tweeted about his suicide try as a farewell saying his retirement from soccer. He talked about fellow freshman offensive linemen Benjamin Roy, Garrett DiGiorgio, Noah Pulealii and Taka Mahe, thanking them for lifting his spirits.
At Pac-12 media day Friday, one other teammate blamed himself for contributing to Thomas’ ordeal by being unaware of his struggles.
“I feel like I failed as a leader, didn’t really reach out to him,” offensive lineman Jon Gaines II mentioned. “This needs to be a learning experience for all of us in how we’re going to approach our mental health and how we’re going to really open up and talk to each other.”
Gaines mentioned Corey Miller, the staff’s director of pace and motion, was holding “Friday real talks” to assist gamers by permitting them to debate points and really feel heard.
Thomas mentioned his goodbyes to offensive line coach Tim Drevno and director of soccer efficiency Keith Belton in particular person, Belton wrapping him in a decent embrace.
“Tommy’s like, ‘I’m not coming back,’ ” David mentioned, recalling the change, “and K.B. goes, ‘I don’t care about that, I just want you here.’ ”
Thomas agreed to talk overtly about his struggles as a result of he wished to assist others by detailing — and normalizing — psychological well being challenges. He additionally wished to offer suggestions that may very well be helpful.
“The biggest thing that I’ve found is asking for help, it’s just being able to reach out to people closest to you,” Thomas mentioned. “People want to help, people want to see you live, people want to see you have the best life you possibly can, and so if you can just reach out and ask them for help, like from your coaches or your teammates or like anyone at the school, it could save your life.”
Suicide prevention and disaster counseling assets
Should you or somebody you recognize is combating suicidal ideas, search assist from knowledgeable and name 9-8-8. America’ first nationwide three-digit psychological well being disaster hotline 988 will join callers with educated psychological well being counselors. Textual content “HOME” to 741741 within the U.S. and Canada to achieve the Disaster Textual content Line.
After months of withdrawing from others, Thomas now immerses himself in day by day conversations with household and mates. Late this week, he accomplished his outpatient program and moved in with some highschool buddies in San Luis Obispo.
Subsequent month, he’ll begin lessons towards a level in hearth know-how at Allan Hancock Faculty in Lompoc. Ultimately, he’ll be part of a brand new brotherhood as a firefighter.
However he’ll all the time be a Bruin. His household has stored its resort reservations for the weekends of UCLA’s residence video games this season and Thomas needs to assist his mates, whether or not it’s strolling the sidelines or sitting within the stands. This previous week, coach Chip Kelly known as to let him know he nonetheless was a part of this system.
“I intend on going to every game,” Thomas mentioned. “I love those guys.”
Within the meantime, his conversations together with his dad and mom have gone from vacant to weak, no matter off limits.
“Now that I have that barrier down, we talk about everything,” Thomas mentioned. “We talk about good days and more importantly, I tell them about the bad days. It’s a little scary, in all honesty. I feel bad, like I’m putting stress on them — unnecessary stress — but I know deep down to tell them and keep them in my loop. They have been so honest with telling me how they’re feeling.”
After years of hiding, Thomas has discovered the power to do the identical.
Should you or somebody you recognize is combating suicidal ideas, search assist from knowledgeable and name 988. America’ first nationwide three-digit psychological well being disaster hotline, 988 will join callers with educated psychological well being counselors. Textual content “HOME” to 741741 within the U.S. and Canada to achieve the Disaster Textual content Line.